When was the last time you took a step back and evaluated the people currently taking up space in your head? How often are you willingly handing over your time and energy to someone who absolutely does not deserve it? Make a commitment to stop giving away your inner peace.

Two years ago, I met and fell in love with my fiancé. We had both really been threw some crazy shit from our previous marriages, and actually found one another online. (I’ll save that for a completely different post, on another day.)Together, we have three kids who are four, five and eight years old. Their mother decided the kids were better off living with my fiancé and me, and actually suggested he go ahead and move and take his kids with him, and so she essentially gave them up physically but not legally. Her intentions were to go to school and get some sort of degree which would allow her to better her current living situation for herself and the kids. I respected that. My fiancé and his kids moved 4 states away to be with me and my daughter and to build a life together. We were absolutely thrilled at this opportunity. My fiancé started a career in IT that he’s extremely passionate about, and the kids started school/daycare and made friends very quickly. We were happy. The kids were happy. This felt right.

In my heart, I never thought she would actually “give them up”. Being a mother myself, I absolutely thought it was insane to think a mom could give up taking care of her kids.  I  literally crave my daughter’s existence. When she’s with her dad, I don’t even feel like a complete person. Don’t get me wrong, I knew moms walk out of their lives all of the time, but damn…to suggest they move four states away felt so cold. She still calls them and visits about once every 4 months for a weekend, but the calls have gotten much shorter– usually 5 to 10 minutes tops and they’re asking to get off the phone or she’s jetting off to head to the bar or hang out with friends. Often times “her phone is dying and she needs to go.” Some weeks she has 3 to 4 days pass before she attempts to call. Very early on, the kids would ask when she was going to call, but slowly they’ve quit asking/caring.

Overtime, my feelings for her have completely shifted. I find this woman to be absolutely despicable. I can’t stand the sight of her. I hate her voice. I hate the way she promises to “call you tomorrow!” when calls and talks to them in front of her friends or family even though she knows damn good and well that she has no intentions of calling. How? How do you make the choice to not raise your kids and simply go on with life? Since they’ve moved, she has gotten married and sadly become a step-mom herself. Imagine the horror that mom must have felt knowing someone who doesn’t even raise her own kids is now in her child’s life. I can’t imagine.  

I was having internal arguments constantly about what is best for me and my daughter, as well as my relationship with my fiancé. Never in my life had I met someone so dramatic or so over the top. She is the anti-calm. I craved peace and calm. There’s always something going on with her or a reason she can’t call or can’t send money to help with daycare or just basic needs. Early on, I accepted a friend request from her on Facebook. This was long before I knew who she was as a woman. Seeing her go night after night without calling, but still hanging out with friends, going out to eat, and singing karaoke at the bar until the wee hours…I couldn’t deal with it anymore. The hate that filled me little by little each day began to wear me out. She would constantly post about how she was “a damn good mom” who made the ultimate sacrifice for her kids and all of her friends and family would chime in on how wonderful she was. Seriously….puke. Being a mom requires work, and she doesn’t have a working bone in her body.

Then it dawned on me…why am I letting this piece of crap dictate my mood? It was to the point where it was completely unhealthy. I was losing sleep and dealing with a lot of tension headaches. Finally, I made the decision to remove her from seeing anything I posted on Facebook. No more “please tell my babies that mommy loves them” posts under any and every picture I would post. I quit following her so that none of her “Mommy Tried” shares show up. That mommy didn’t try, guys. She’s a loser.

I realized that if you are giving even a single ounce of energy to a negative shit storm of a person, it is one ounce too many. And you already know the kind, because everyone experiences a shit storm at least once in their life. It’s always something….quick to quit jobs or constantly in between jobs, starts projects or classes but never does any work to actually complete them, new “bestie” with each passing season, craves constant attention in every relationship, creates “Go-Fund Me” accounts for their own personal gain when they aren’t actually experiencing a real crisis, clings to those willing to make them the center of their universe for any amount of time, including their own children. Everything is constantly changing, and yet they somehow continue to stay exactly the same. You can usually find them playing the victim to circumstances they’ve created all by themselves or with their current enablers. Don’t engage. Don’t make eye contact. Avoid at all costs.

Day by day, I’m slowly finding my peace again. I still hate her for what she has done to the kids because they (of course) still want their mom and that’s completely normal and understandable. For now, at least from what I see and hear, she is their hero and I won’t be the person who ever pops that bubble. My feeling towards her are not their business and I have no business trying to change their love and admiration for her. Nobody told me how to love my mom growing up, and I’m certainly not going to try to dictate how they love her. I’m trying.